Unfortunately, many of us are out there dating aimlessly – clueless as to what we want and, even more unfortunate, who we are. Awhile back, I took some time out to soul search and reflect, deciding not to date until I figured some things out. And although I cannot claim to know everything (I still make mistakes but, who doesn’t?), being “purposefully single” taught me not only how to better conduct myself in love, but how to better conduct myself in life. The following are just a few lessons I learned.
The only lens that matters is mine
Like many women, there was a time in my life where the only lens that mattered was that of the man I was with. I found comfort in his validations and was crushed whenever he saw something in me that he didn’t like. While being “purposefully single,” I allowed myself time to finally make an effort to figure out who I really was. I learned that my identity should be shaped by my passions and interests, many of which I never had the courage or time to explore. It became less important how others saw me and emphasis shifted to what I saw in myself.
You have to learn how to be a friend before you can be anyone’s girlfriend
Anyone who knows me knows that I deeply value my male friendships. However, it is quite ironic that despite the fact that I have always been able to establish and maintain friendships with men, I never applied this technique to my romantic relationships. While single, I spent more time with my friends. This allowed me to understand the value they brought into my life, as well as realize how this level of male love and support was missing from my other relationships.
There are plenty of things to do on a Friday night other than date
I once viewed Friday, aka date night, as the worst night of the week. I always found myself home alone on my couch, bitter and depressed that I wasn’t cuddled up with someone or out on a romantic date. Looking back, I was such a fool to think that Fridays were only for couples. Being single, and not looking, didn’t allow me to waste any time feeling sorry for myself. I could either just exist as a single woman or live a single life. And as it turns out there are plenty of things to do on a Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, etc. night without a man, with the girls or just by myself.
Just because I’m alone doesn’t mean that I’ve done something wrong
Many women feel that they are “failing” because they haven’t “landed a man.” This pressure only increases with age. Being purposefully single became my way of pushing back. I was single, sane, healthy and beautiful. Perhaps, I just wasn’t ready. Or perhaps I could benefit more from singlehood. The truth is, there were plenty of reasons I was single, but none had anything to do with me being unattractive, unfeminine or unworthy.
I don’t need a man to feel love
For many women, men offer a level of comfort and affection that cannot be compared or replaced. And when this “love” is absent, many of us feel an undeniable void in our lives. While single, I was forced to look past this perspective and realized that there were several different types of love that are just as, and even more, fulfilling as romantic love, including love of family, friends, community, self and most importantly, God.
They had my help in hurting me
Women often blame men for all of their past and current relationship woes. Terms like “men are dogs” and “there aren’t any good men left” are often the result of pain and misdirected anger. Men have and will continue to hurt women. Women have and will continue to hurt men. But, women also hurt themselves. During my “single-dom,” I took responsibility for some of the bad decisions I had made then took the time to try and correct the unhealthy behaviors that put me in those positions. Old habits die hard, but it was worth trying for my own benefit, and of course for any person I decided to be with in the future.
I had been abandoning other areas of my life
When I turned 27, out of the blue and without my consent, it appeared as though everyone (my friends, family and complete strangers) decided that it was time for me to get married and have kids. Overnight – my focus went from hanging out with my girls and building my career to searching for the perfect potential husband and father for my unborn children. When I finally decided enough was enough, I rededicated myself to enjoying a pressure-free life; I was still young and had a lot to learn. At that point, I promised myself that I wouldn’t let the ticking of someone else’s clock overpower my own voice.
I had some healing and growing to do
Before I took the time to really reflect on my dating mistakes, I had been carrying some serious baggage. In addition, I was burdened with a myriad of emotions, including anger towards the men in my past, but even more so anger towards myself. First things first, I took the steps to forgive me. This was the hardest thing to do and by removing men from my life, I had much more space and time to self-reflect, digest, accept and heal.
Hindsight is 20/20
When a man gets cut off and out of your life without his permission, he tends to let his true colors show. And when they do, many of us act surprised by this “sudden” change in behavior. For various reasons, I had consciously placed myself in relationships that I knew would never and should never work. The men I had been choosing picked me for certain reasons, and I them for others – none of which were good. Looking back, that seems so obvious that I was using men as a distraction from having to really deal with and make decisions for myself. As a single woman, I am forced to think for myself and thus hold myself accountable for my own actions.
There is beauty in being single
Reading back through my journal and blog entries, I can see the growth I’ve made. My opinions of myself have changed, I have become more certain of my dreams and aspirations and there is clear evidence of a happier and more confident woman. Being single didn’t solve all of my problems. But, what it did do was (1) remove unnecessary drama and distractions from my life, (2)force me into a serious period of introspection, (3) provided me a much needed break from serial monogamy, and (4) allowed room for some really great people and things to enter my life. A man can bring you happiness, but first you have to be happy by and with yourself.