I’m sure you don’t want to deliberately sink your love boat.
No one goes into a relationship thinking, “I know what I’ll do: I’ll do everything in my power to destroy the intimacy between us and make us both miserable.”
That would be sadistic. And you’re not sadistic. But you do need to know how your love boat could be developing holes in it and ready to sink to the relationship graveyard. Keep reading…
If You Want to Set Your Relationship Up For Failure, Do This…
I know you don’t want to set up your relationship for failure. So why do so many relationships get off track and ultimately fail?
There are certain relationship ideas we all bring to our partnerships. And they are usually built off of ancient relationship “wisdom” that will seriously lead you down the failure path. These outdated ideas never worked, because you would have to shut off your individual ideas and feelings in order to behave in these particular ways.
In fact, by engaging in these outdated modes of thinking and acting, you deny yourself the ability to be fully in the relationship and getting your own needs met.
That’s because these old ideas are about putting the peace of the relationship above your own needs.
Now, in a relationship, it’s understood that two people come together who have differing needs, each trying to get their own needs met.
At the same time, we also have to compromise in our relationships, and not stick to only seeing just our own needs met, but also those of our partner. It’s a dance to balance between the two.
But what happens is, one or both of the partners engages in one of two behaviors that I’m going to tell you about in just a second, with the misguided idea that by behaving in a certain way—it’s for the good of the relationship.
Don’t kid yourself.
The Two Love-Boat Destroying Behaviors…
The two outdated ways of thinking and their resultant behaviors are:
Outdated Thought 1: Being “Sugar and Spice”
Though this has traditionally been thought of as a female thing, thanks to the nursery rhyme of girls being “sugar and spice and everything nice,” both men and women are capable of thinking and behaving this way.
The idea is that you fear speaking up for yourself. The thinking goes, “If I’m nice and quiet and don’t express my feelings, I won’t hurt my partner. I’ll just keep everything all bottled up inside so that we’ll have nothing but pleasantry between us.”
This is nice in theory, and I’m not suggesting that you start spewing every last feeling you’ve ever had to your partner. Instead, when you do have something you feel strongly about—express it to your partner.
You don’t have to shout or get angry, but calmly say, “This is how I feel about this.” It may even sting your partner a little to hear what you have to say, but tamping down your feelings in the mistaken notion that it saves the relationship is actually a dishonest way of living.
Your partner has the right to 100% of you—and that includes your feelings. Live honestly by being open with your partner. It actually brings you closer together if you know you can confide in one another about your deepest thoughts and feelings. Can’t you just feel the intimacy being rekindled?
Outdated Thought 2: Never Rocking the Boat
This one is similar to being sugar and spice: you may fear bringing up anything that may create distance between you and your partner. You are afraid that having a differing opinion will cause conflict, and that conflict is bad.
No two people are always going to agree on everything. It’s what makes a relationship a little spicy. He thinks his way, she thinks her way—and the differences between you are where the turn-on is, what creates that spark. (Yes, common interests factor in, too.)
If you go through your relationship fearful of making waves, again, you are not living honestly. You should trust that your partner is able to hear a differing opinion and not explode. And if they do? They’ll get over it. At first, there very well may be some distance. But if it’s an issue that’s already sitting there festering between you, then at least once it’s out there you can work on resolving it.
And once that happens… the distance goes away. Again, you’ve just strengthened your intimate bond rather than permanently damaging the relationship as you may have feared.
To keep the love boat strong, reinforce that foundation every chance you get.
My best to you as you keep the spark alive in your relationship.
Do you ever hold back on your feelings, afraid of rocking the boat?
How about the sugar and spice… do you think that nice means never sharing your true feelings?
Would you consider the way you are in your relationship the most honest version of you, or do you hold back out of fear?
Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below.